Fighter

It's no secret that I have struggled with my weight over the years. The truth is, no matter how high the scale gets, I always feel like a skinny girl trapped in a big body.  I look in the mirror and think, "Is this what I really look like?" None of us can truly know how others see us, and I honestly I don't care. My only concern, and it took years to get to this place, is for my health.  I want to be healthy for myself, and for my son. He deserves a mother who sets a healthy example when it comes to eating and exercise.  So far I've lost 33 pounds. This means I only have 17 more pounds to reach my goal weight! I've reached the point where I am excited to be so close to my goal, but frustrated in how long it is taking to get there.  I know it is partly my fault. There are days when I don't make it to the gym, or I eat some extra calories, and then I get mad at myself.  There's a constant internal battle going on. When I really CAN'T get to the gym because I have 7 million other things to do, I run at home, or I workout on a day I normally wouldn't.  I even workout when we go on trips! These things make me feel so good about myself. When I choose a salad instead of fries, I feel good. When I only eat half of a giant portion at a restaurant, I feel good. It's like a complete change in the way I view food. I feel like I'm winning the war, but the tiny battles every day are exhausting.  Another problem I've had is the reaction of other people. Obviously I've gotten tons of sweet compliments from friends and family, whether they've seen pictures or actually seen me in person.  The problem is when I hear, "What do you mean you need to lose 17 more pounds?!" or "You're too skinny, you shouldn't loose anymore." Then I have to explain that there is a healthy weight range for every height. I am only 5' 4.5! My goal weight is smack in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height. I just wish people would just say, "Good for you, way to go!", and leave it at that.

The other day I was thinking about will power, there may have been a mini snickers involved, and I had a very interesting thought; I have will power. If you had asked me a few years ago if I had will power, I would have laughed, blown smoke in your face, and said no. This January will be four years since I quit smoking. I didn't use patches, or gum, or hypnotism. I just quit. After 15 years of smoking a pack a day. It pisses me off when people tell me they can't quit smoking. Bull shit. You can, you just don't want to. I also gave birth with no epidural. It pissed me off when people told me I couldn't do it. Guess what? You were wrong, and you're all a bunch of whiney babies. When I started this diet I felt like I would never lose weight, like I would never be able to get anywhere near the weight I wanted.  So the other day, as I was standing on the scale, wishing it were lower, I finally realized I DO have will power. I realized that I WILL reach my goal weight. I WILL do anything I set my mind to, because I'm a fighter.