Too Tired To Think Of A Clever Song Title

I miss sleep. I really, really do. I'm hoping some day soon John will have a day off and I will get to sleep for an entire night. At least one full night of sleep before I go back to work would be amazing. How do people do this with more than one kid?! The thought of that just hurts my brain. I wouldn't say I'm "non functioning" at this point, but I would say I'm not a happy camper. I am definitely missing the freedom to just go places.  I know it will get better when he is old enough to be out and about. But right now, it sucks. Of course I wouldn't trade it for anything, because I finally have everything I always wanted. But I decided that since I did minimal complaining during my pregnancy, it is ok for me to complain a little now. The other major problem I'm having is breastfeeding. It's painful and a giant pain in the ass. If I'm not nursing, I'm pumping. It's like, my entire world revolves around my boobs right now. I understand the importance of breastfeeding and fully support it. However, I am extremely jealous of mothers who just use formula. I mean really, it would take a huge burden off of my shoulders. For instance, right now the baby is sleeping. So after I finish this I need to pump. When what I really want to do is just go to sleep, but I can't. Then as soon as I try to put him in his bassinet he'll be hungry and I'll have to nurse him. Even if I give him bottled breast milk in the middle of the night I still have to pump. I can't just wake up John and say, "Feed him" and go back to sleep. In conclusion, it sucks and I hate it. So off I go to be milked.

Old McDonald Had A Farm

I feel like a cow. Like I'm pretty much just a feeding machine at this point. I'm not sure what I thought breastfeeding would feel like. Maybe I just assumed it would be less time consuming. I was definitely wrong about that. I think I now spend like half the day with my boobs hanging out. Either I am nursing Cole or pumping. Sometimes I think, surely he can't be hungry again! Oh, but he is. Also, this whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" nonsense does not work. How can I sleep in the middle of the day when I have things to do and the phone never stops ringing? Of course John helps as much as he can. He gets up early and lets me sleep for an hour or so before he leaves for work. Unfortunately, an hour or two of sleep at a time just doesn't cut it. I'm hoping Cole will be a quick learner and start sleeping through the night like, possibly next week. A girl can dream right?

The Story Of Us

So here's how it all went down. On Friday, July 8th, my OB told me I was only 1cm dilated and would have to be induced. I went in to the hospital on Sunday night to start a cervix softener called Cervidil. Of course I was very upset about this because I really wanted a natural birth without all of these medical interventions.  Turns out by the time I was admitted and hooked up to an iv I was already 4 centimeters dilated! My nurse called the doctor and we decided not to use the Cervidil and a few hours later the doctor came in and broke my water. Sadly, this didn't do too much. So around 6:30 am on Monday they started me on the dreaded Pitocin drip. The nurse was very sweet and she knew how much I did not want Pitocin at all. So she put me on the lowest dosage and that was all it took. Within five minutes I was contracting regularly. Unfortunately because my water had been broken and his head was not up against the cervix yet I had to lay in bed and I was not able to move very much. They didn't want the chord to prolapse. Finally, a few hours and about 9,000 contractions later, I was able to get on the ball and move around. Here's the thing, when your sciatic nerve is going nuts and your back is on fire, the ball doesn't help! Because of all the monitors on me I couldn't do much else. When I finally started pushing I got to lay on my side which was wonderful! It sounds weird, but it took pressure off of my back and really helped me get things moving. Once his head moved down they had me flip onto my back. That sucked. At this point though I was in so much pain it didn't really matter. I was on another plane, just focusing on getting him out. The pain is indescribable. It was beyond anything I had imagined and it took every ounce of my energy and focus. Honestly, I don't know how much more I could have taken. I pushed for less than an hour and my whole labor was about 7 hrs. That is nothing compared to most. So I guess as much as I hated being induced, it was really for the best because I got to have a faster labor. Who knows how long it would have taken otherwise. I'm still in shock that it is all over. I still can't believe that I did it. I stuck to my guns and fought for what I wanted out of this experience. I feel the greatest sense of accomplishment and pride. It is amazing to me what you can do if you really put your mind to it. I am just so thankful that I had my husband, mom and grandma there with me. They were the BEST coaches and I am so lucky to have them. And now I'm finally a mom. I find myself spending most of my time staring at Cole in awe. John and I keep discussing how amazing he is and how we just can't believe we made a human! We are just so excited for this adventure!

Last Resort

I've mentioned a few times that I tend to be a glass half empty kind of girl. I always look for the worst case scenario in any situation. I think the reason I am this way is because my life has been so perfect. I'm not bragging, just stating facts. I have an amazing life. I wouldn't trade it for anything. So I guess the point is, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean surely no one can be this lucky. When John and I started trying to have a baby I finally hit a snag. I found out I have Endometriosis, and two blood clotting disorders called Factor V Leiden and MTHFR. Lucky for us we were still able to get pregnant. Back to my perfect life right? Then I had a miscarriage and I heard the thump of that shoe dropping loud and clear. After getting pregnant the second time I was very nervous.  I lived in fear for the first 12 weeks. Then the clouds lifted and the next 8 months were the most wonderful of my life to date. I've had a blissful pregnancy. I've taken care of myself, taken all the necessary classes, read every book, prepared the nursery, etc. Most importantly I prepared myself mentally and physically for a drug free, natural delivery, while also educating myself on all other possible outcomes. (worst case scenarios)  However, I think for the first time, I really believed the glass was half full. I really thought everything would just go my way because I had this pregnancy thing down.  I was great at it! And then I went to the doctor today and found out that my body is no longer cooperating. It is failing to do what it needs to in a timely manner. Therefore, they will be inducing me. Because thanks to modern medicine, we now have ways to artificially start labor when our doctors decide we've waited long enough for our bodies to do what they were made for. Do I sound pissed? Because I am. I am angry that my body has failed me. I am angry with my doctors for acting like it's no big deal, when it is. I am angry at the people who will say "I told you so". I am angry that I am being forced to do something I am completely against. I guess I don't need to tell you I cried like a baby in the doctor's office. And then when I called John. And then again when I got home. I am trying to look on the bright side. Which is obviously Cole.  I mean of course I am still thrilled to be having a baby. I've never been happier. I know that no matter what I will be so in love with this little boy that how he got here will not matter. But, as a last ditch effort I am trying to talk him out of my uterus. So far it hasn't worked. I've decided it is made of memory foam, and he wants to stay forever.

Drop It Low

So according to my family and friends, I have "dropped". WHich is supposed to be a good sign. I don't see much of a difference because I see myself every day, so I'll take their word for it. I do know that there is an eight pound bowling ball resting on my pelvic bone. It's super. Tomorrow is my official due date! I'm pretty sure this little guy is gonna be fashionably late. I've had lots of Braxton Hicks, which hurt now, so maybe they are the real thing? No clue.  Last time I was checked I was dilated 1 cm. So, we are just waiting. The anticipation may drive me batty.