Reflection

      The beginning of a new year means time for reflection. The first thing I thought of tonight was smoking. It's been four years since I've had a cigarette! People used to call me "the chimney". At fourteen I  smoked my first cigarette. By fifteen I was smoking a pack a day. Sometimes when I went out, I'd smoke a pack in a few hours. Fifteen years later, I finally quit. I still can't believe it sometimes. It was such a huge part of my life for so long, it is still weird to me that I don't do it anymore. Now every time I finish a run, I am so thankful that I made the choice to be healthy for myself, and my child. I've watched so many of my friends quit as well, and it makes me so proud of them, because I know how difficult it is. I just hope that those of you who are still smoking decide to quit soon. Even if you try and fail, it's a step in the right direction. Just keep trying!
      I decided today that my resolution is to remind myself every day that life is what we make it. I think sometimes I get caught up in the little things that bother me. Or I find myself complaining about something that I could change if I wanted to. Making changes in life is difficult, but anything worth doing usually is. A few years ago I decided I didn't like my job anymore, so I changed it. I decided I didn't like my body anymore, so I lost weight. (Well, that's a work in progress) I decided I didn't like what smoking was doing to me, so I quit. Those are some bigger examples, but there are small things too. Every day I have a choice. I get to choose my attitude, who I'm friends with, whether I work out, what to eat, etc. This year I am choosing to focus on remembering that I can change the things I don't like. Then I can spend less time, and energy, complaining about them.
       The last year has been equally tragic and tremendous. I guess if I had to pin point what I've learned, it's that nothing is as it seems. I also learned that the only person I need to rely on, is me. I can take anything life throws at me, and come out the other side a better person. I think reflection is good. Admitting your mistakes, and finding things to improve is healthy. The key is to keep yourself moving forward, and always have a plan. My mottos in life are, "Better safe than sorry" and "hope for the best, plan for the worst". That could be why I have an emergency zombie apocalypse bag in the closet. That, and too many episodes of The Walking Dead. The point is, I'm ready for the next year, and all of it's possibilities.

Holiday Greetings!

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Think It Over

           Let's pretend the world is ending, and you only have two weeks to live. I'm not saying it is, I'm just saying, if it were. Which it could be. This thought crossed my mind as I was running this morning. What do you do, just go about your business? Then I was thinking about people who get sick, and really only have X amount of time to live.  I'm pretty sure I would just spend every second I could with my baby, and just like, live at Disney or something.
         Running gives me time to think, and this morning I realized I think about some weird stuff. For instance, building endurance to run from zombies. This may have something to do with my recent obsession with The Walking Dead. Today when I was feeling tired during my run, I used this as motivation to keep going. Here's an example of my thoughts while running:

 "Ugh, I don't know if I'm gonna make it five miles."
 "But if I keep going, I'm building endurance to outrun the zombies."
 "I need to remember to go buy some more matches for our emergency bag."
 "I wonder if it will be cold next weekend for the race."
 "I need new running socks."
 "Ugh, my knee is hurting."
 "Keep going, keep going."
 "Those woods look creepy. I could totally see a zombie popping out of there."
 "Ugh, my ankle hurts."
 "Keep going, keep going."
 "I really need to finish grading those essays."
 "Geez it's foggy."
 "I should have worn a shirt with sleeves."
 "I don't think I could run this far in the summer."
 "Am I sweating, or just covered in fog?"

   See, random, and weird. I guess all thoughts are that way, I just never really think about what I'm thinking. That sounds confusing. Anyway, I've got to go watch some more Walking Dead.

Pour Some Sugar On Me

Last night John and I went on a dinner cruise with his family. It was so much fun! If you haven't done it, you definitely should. The food was great, the weather was perfect, and we did a little dancing too! I only wish it were longer.  So lately I've been feeling super stressed out. I may have taken on too much this year, and I should probably learn to say NO to people. It may be a control issue. A lot of times I feel like if I don't do things myself, they won't be done right. One of the fun things on my "To Do" list got checked off today; I threw a baby shower for my cousin. I had such a great time planning it, and I'm really happy with the way everything turned out.  Next up is our staff Christmas Party for work! Now if I could only get someone to PAY me to plan a party. I mean really, if I could just plan parties and sell jewelry, I would.  Here are some pictures of the shower!

Fighter

It's no secret that I have struggled with my weight over the years. The truth is, no matter how high the scale gets, I always feel like a skinny girl trapped in a big body.  I look in the mirror and think, "Is this what I really look like?" None of us can truly know how others see us, and I honestly I don't care. My only concern, and it took years to get to this place, is for my health.  I want to be healthy for myself, and for my son. He deserves a mother who sets a healthy example when it comes to eating and exercise.  So far I've lost 33 pounds. This means I only have 17 more pounds to reach my goal weight! I've reached the point where I am excited to be so close to my goal, but frustrated in how long it is taking to get there.  I know it is partly my fault. There are days when I don't make it to the gym, or I eat some extra calories, and then I get mad at myself.  There's a constant internal battle going on. When I really CAN'T get to the gym because I have 7 million other things to do, I run at home, or I workout on a day I normally wouldn't.  I even workout when we go on trips! These things make me feel so good about myself. When I choose a salad instead of fries, I feel good. When I only eat half of a giant portion at a restaurant, I feel good. It's like a complete change in the way I view food. I feel like I'm winning the war, but the tiny battles every day are exhausting.  Another problem I've had is the reaction of other people. Obviously I've gotten tons of sweet compliments from friends and family, whether they've seen pictures or actually seen me in person.  The problem is when I hear, "What do you mean you need to lose 17 more pounds?!" or "You're too skinny, you shouldn't loose anymore." Then I have to explain that there is a healthy weight range for every height. I am only 5' 4.5! My goal weight is smack in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height. I just wish people would just say, "Good for you, way to go!", and leave it at that.

The other day I was thinking about will power, there may have been a mini snickers involved, and I had a very interesting thought; I have will power. If you had asked me a few years ago if I had will power, I would have laughed, blown smoke in your face, and said no. This January will be four years since I quit smoking. I didn't use patches, or gum, or hypnotism. I just quit. After 15 years of smoking a pack a day. It pisses me off when people tell me they can't quit smoking. Bull shit. You can, you just don't want to. I also gave birth with no epidural. It pissed me off when people told me I couldn't do it. Guess what? You were wrong, and you're all a bunch of whiney babies. When I started this diet I felt like I would never lose weight, like I would never be able to get anywhere near the weight I wanted.  So the other day, as I was standing on the scale, wishing it were lower, I finally realized I DO have will power. I realized that I WILL reach my goal weight. I WILL do anything I set my mind to, because I'm a fighter.

Guilt & Sweat

I haven't written anything for a while. I had an amazing summer with my favorite little man! We went to Disney a few times and took him to the aquarium for the first time. Now that I'm back to work, Cole is going to Primrose every day.  I've been feeling guilty about leaving him. I feel so bad when I only get to see him for about three hours a day. Even when I am with him I'm busy with dishes, dinner, bath, etc. The weekends are precious to me now. I am just amazed daily by the things he can do. He's walking all over, opening doors and saying new sounds. I love that he is actually learning something at his preschool. In general I feel like I'm pretty good at this whole "mom" thing. However, I'm still not ready to even think about doing it again. Partly because recently I've been very focused on losing weight. Since April I've lost 27 pounds and 3 clothing sizes! I am feeling more like myself than I have in a long time. I still have 23 pounds to go to be at a healthy weight for my height. I'm really excited to reach my goal, but it is very hard work! I get compliments all the time now, and it really helps. My cousin Ginnie has also struggled with her weight, and has been trying hard to lose it. Even though she lives in another state, we are trying to keep each other motivated. It is so nice to have someone to turn to when I'm feeling weak. Sadly I have a serious chocolate problem and I milk those 1200 calories a day. Did you know that 33 milk chocolate chips are 70 calories? Oh yeah, I've got this diet thing down. I'm pretty sure I'd be losing weight a lot faster if I weren't eating any sweets, but let's be serious, that's not happening. Cutting out Grey Goose would help too. HAHAHAHAHA! Right.

Number One

My kid is ONE! I don't think it has quite sunk in yet. I mean, I'm still getting used to being called a mom. Like some days I look in the mirror and think, "When did this happen? How am I a MOM?" Also I'm thinking, "Whose body is this? Can I trade it in please?" Anyway, today we went to Cole's preschool that he will be attending when I go back to work. I took him in to play with the kids and get a feel for the teachers. It's a very nice place and right down the street from my school. Regardless, I am NOT looking forward to leaving him! I'm trying not to think about it until I have to. Moving on, we are having an excellent summer! Cole's first birthday party is Saturday, and we are super excited! Also, I found out that I am going to be Team Leader this year. That means more responsibility, but I'm excited about it. :) In other news, Cole stayed the night out for the first time recently. We left him with my parents and John took me on a date that he planned himself! It was a lot of fun, but I really missed my little dude. We want to do it at least once a month. I'm sure it gets easier. Right?